My heart goes out to every person touched by the tragedy of 9-11. I spent the morning watching the news, listening to the stories and memorials. I just let the tears flow but they weren't all for the sadness inflicted upon American five years ago. I was definitely crying for my pathetic self.
I'm not sure if I will leave this up for very long. I'm really raw and this is so personal. It does help me when I write and honestly when I get feedback from my friends here.
Okay. Yesterday Hubby and I participated in the March of Dimes motorcycle run (it was great, must have been 3,000 bikes!) and then we went on to have an exceptionally nice day. Until he said something and I had a complete and utterly unacceptable meltdown. With witnesses.
It was so bad we didn't speak until this morning. I fell asleep last night around ten but woke at midnight and for the next six hours just kept replaying the completely asinine behavior that is only mine to claim.
Yes, I am trying to get passed his sharing on Valentines' night some male midlife crisis thoughts (but not about another woman, thank goodness but extremely life-belief altering for me.). And even though it hasn't occurred to him to ask forgiveness (for now it seems he is completely committed to our relationship) I have forgiven him.
It's just so much harder to forget.
There were other contributing factors to the meltdown: world class PMS, exhaustion from long term pain and months of non-stop activities, worry about one son going off to college and the other in a fairly dysfunctional relationship, a very long day spent on the motorcycle wearing too many black clothes in the blazing sunshine (thought it was going to be cloudy and cold) and two too many glasses of wine at the end of the day.
Did I mention the witnesses? Yeah. I don't care what they think of me because not one of them is perfect either, but I do care what they think of the Husband and our relationship. I blew it so badly.
But this is between the two of us. This morning before he could leave for work I stopped him and apologized. Not just apologized, sincerely and lovingly told him I had been a fool, overreacted and had spoken in a drunken state. I also told him I am working through things of my own, which completely surprised him because since he's been happy with me and us, in his mind, I should be too. He firmly believes what happened before is done and forgotten.
I told him the issues are mine to deal with. And they are, I've got to get a hold on myself. I know so many worse things happen in marriages and in the world. A grip, that's all I'm looking for.
He walked back from his truck, to me standing on the bottom front step. I kept his eye when I told him again, "I apologize for my behavior with every ounce of sincerity I have." We hugged, I said "I'm sorry" again, he said, "I love you" and I told him I loved him.
He is very confused by me right now. Especially when these episodes happen because they only occur every few years and never before in public.
I'm confused by my display also. It was unnecessary and childish. A temper tantrum with loads of attitude. Ugh. What a mess. He does play some part in this situation because it was his in the making for the way he told me his truths in February, but it's ME who mixed everything up and made no sense at all.
I usually behave so much better than this. I was so much more physically and emotionally sick when I would internalize this sort of thing but at least I didn't cause anyone else harm. Especially someone whom I do love.
I am ashamed of myself.