I moved my Christmas tree out of the living room and into the family room yesterday to accommodate the potential crush of par-tay people and realized I should have set it up here all along!
My poor, fake Charlie Brown tree looks much better with a corner mirror behind it, even in the day time! What was I thinkin'?
My boys were pleased with their "stocking stuffers" and cash. They only really want cash but I enjoy giving gifts too much to just hand over a card and a wad. I buy things are too large to fit into a stocking (jackets, shirts, candies) so it's become the big joke, "Mom's stocking stuffers are bigger than regular presents." I can live with that.
I am very specific with my request for gifts from Hubby. He did really well our first Christmas together (over two decades ago!). He bought jewelry that really fit my personality. Since then he has, how do I say this without sounding like an ungrateful wench?, fallen by the wayside. He has no problem spending money but he picks presents from his point of view instead of what I want or need. After years and years of disappointment and hurt feelings we reached a compromise a few years ago - cash or I would write down EXACTLY what I wanted (size, description, store and even sku number!). For the most part it has worked.
This year I asked for cash only. I told him I had some things I needed cash for - a flash for my good camera (which he's been saying he would buy for me for the last two years but hasn't gotten around to it), I have a few personal wellness appointments I'd like to make and I wanted to adopt a horse at HH. It's just an annual donation to help with maintenance, food and any medicines a horse could need. I don't actually get to keep the horse, although I am sure I would be allowed to spend extra special time with him or her. Anyway, I needed cash. Cash only. How many times did I say that to him? A dozen times, at least.
Christmas Eve late afternoon rolled around and he called me from shopping. He was buying himself a new sweater and some stuff at the Harley shop. Little side note: the day we get video with our cell phones I will be in SO MUCH trouble for rolling my eyes.
Then he said the much dreaded, "Oh! And I picked up the two things I wanted to get for you!" Oh no. I know that can only mean marital discourse in the next 24 hours. I almost started crying (it doesn't help my body pain has been running at a 6-7.5 out of 10 for days on end). I sucked it up and gave a cheery "good!" and got off the phone. I told myself not to think about it and concentrate on all the other good stuff that would be happening in the next couple of days.
Yesterday morning I got up with the pooches at 5:30 and got myself out of the house to be at HH by 7:45. I had never met the woman who cares for the horses on the holidays, she seemed very nice and was surprised I came out to help on the holiday. Unfortunately for her, she has no family. Unfortunately for me, she was in no rush to get the chores done. I was told by the regular staff we would just be feeding and no grooming but she had a whole 'nother plan in mind. No matter I thought, I love my time with the horses and the boys are teens who can practice a little patience on Christmas morning.
Anyway, I was home by 10:30 and the boys and Hubby had their presents opened by 11:00. They seemed to like everything I bought for them. Then it was my turn. I always hand out the presents so mine get left for last. Hubby teases me saying it's because I want everyone to watch me open mine (which is the complete and utter opposite of what I would want) but I let him know if he wanted me to open my presents during their time he could get his rump off the chair and hand them to me. That always ends the conversation. There were two presents for me and my heart was heavy in my chest.
He said, "Open the big one first and read the tag." "To The Best Herder in the World. From Lock." I was nervous, laughed and said "technically, he's the herder, I'm the handler," and Youngest Son said "Loch is spelled with an H, not a K." Hubby said, "Whatever." This was not beginning on a good note at all.
I opened the present and couldn't figure out what they were. Turns out it was four collapsible safety cones. I had mentioned to him my frustration at our herding trainer's lack of desire to leave up panels for training and I was looking for some plain, inexpensive, stackable, short orange cones to bring on the field with me and use to drive the sheep through. I said I was going to look at a local place because I remember buying them for the boys when they were into doing obstacle courses with their bikes/skateboards/running games. Well, for once he listened to me and bought something I wanted. Except they weigh a ton, they're much too big and awkward to carry without a big bag and they were expensive. I already have too much to carry into the fields and I knew I would never use these things.
Needless to say, from the confusion as to what these things were to realizing I couldn't possible use them, the look on my face was not what he was looking for. He started with his typical "nothing I ever buy for you is right," which we've already established is correct and then he said "Well, open the other present. I KNOW it's something you definitely want." It was much too small to be another dog, pony, a new hamster or lizard habitat or even a bigger fish tank so I knew he was wrong.
As I was opening the present I felt like I was walking the plank ... without any rum or Johnny Depp waiting for me on the deserted beach.
Pick, rip, pick, rip, rip. A smaller box inside a bigger box. Hey, this could be good. He put me through a really rotten year, without exception, the worst year of my life. Maybe he's playing a game with the boxes and there will be another smaller box inside this one with perhaps a diamond necklace or tattoo gift certificate in it. (My wants are weird, I know). But no, we stop at the second box and it turns out to be a small digital camera. I said, "I don't understand. I already have one. I don't need another one." Youngest Son helpfully piped in, "I was the one who said I wanted a digital camera!" Oldest Son said, "oh no." It was like a nightmare.
Hubby said, "Look at it! It's much better than the one you have." It is, except the one I have works just fine and if I lose it or drop it from the Harley I will not feel like I've done something horrible. I just sat there looking at the information on the box. Then I started to open the box and he sharply said, "Don't open the box. We'll just return it. Don't open the box!"
It was ugly.
The camera is very nice. I tried to say that to him. He said some thing about spending $600 on it like I should just fall over myself with appreciation which made me feel a little defensive. I said, "I need a new fill flash for my good camera, if you wanted to help me with my photography why didn't you buy that? We've talked about it about a million times." Heavy sigh.
A little later he handed me the receipt, without any attitude at all, because he gets over things very quickly, thank goodness. He said, "get what you want or just get the money," but he has to return it because it's on his charge card. I probably won't end up with anything but that's okay. Maybe next year he'll actually listen to me. Probably not but maybe.
The exciting thing is ... my birthday's coming up in a few days! Heaven help me practice my poker face.
At no time did we have more than 15 people in our house last night. That was definitely workable. There was a nice flow of visitors from 5:00 to 10:00 PM. I stayed on top of the refreshments and children. I even brought out my timer for those few parents who couldn't take another moment of nagging. My deal (which always worked with my boys) is you may ask for one thing when the timer goes off, then we reset it for a certain amount of time (20 minutes last night) and you may not ask or nag at your mama or dad until the next time the ding dongs. Two moms and a dad were exceptionally impressed with how well this worked. The kids would buzz into the room, check the timer and leave without so much as a peep to their parents. I told them the timer takes the parent out of the equation. When my boys would start to involve me during the "time to be busy with something else time" I would simply point at the timer as if I had nothing to do with it. They never failed to say, "Oh, yeah," and go back to their activities. Well, it worked last night too and gave certain parents some badly needed adult time. For a few previous moments I was a water bottle, timer-carrying hero. Wahoo!
Unfortunately I was too busy to take pictures. That was the only bummer during the whole evening. That and my big hoop earrings gave me a headache!
*****Late, later, latest update.
Hubby came home to grab some ham and potato leftovers as his lunch since he's planning to work late tonight. He also grabbed the camera and cones. He said, "I'll just return these." That's it. No more discussion. Not even after I said I was sorry. I don't think he's mad, he seldom gets mad. I think he is closer to frustration. But how much easier could I have made it for him, "I only want cash this year. I've got a couple of little things I'd like to do for myself."
I know this is very common between couples (and friends) but it makes me a little sad. For so many years I have just smiled, said a polite thank you and tucked the gift up on the shelf somewhere. I've been trying to be more honest but I think it was much easier to be dishonest, even to myself.